New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year when people make unrealistic New Year’s resolutions, most of which will be broken in a month or two. Now I realize that statement sounds really pessimistic and perhaps cynical, but it’s not really meant to be. I, personally, have made some ridiculous New Year’s resolutions that didn’t last very long. Well I just got an email with a list of New Year’s Resolutions that you can keep and I thought it was rather funny so I’m sharing it here. Enjoy!

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.

~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.

~ Don’t have eight children at once.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Don’t believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.