I didn’t know.

“I wish I knew what was going to happen. I just want to know that it’s going to be okay. That I’m going to be okay.” Have you ever said that? We want to know what’s coming, how things will turn out. We want to know. 6 years ago I went in for emergency surgery for a malignant melanoma on my leg. Stupid cancer. I got the diagnosis less than 24 hours before the surgery and those hours were a blur of tests and phrases like “treatment plans” and “life expectancy”. I took pictures of my leg before surgery with M&M candies because it was Malignant Melanoma – M&M – get it?! ? Anything to lighten the load of not knowing. Mostly I just wanted to know that I’d be okay. I wanted to know that I’d beat this. I wanted to know that the somber faces of the medical staff would turn to smiles. But I didn’t know.

There was so much I didn’t know. I didn’t know if I’d be having chemo or radiation. I didn’t know that it would be 9 weeks before I’d walk again. I didn’t know that it would be 3 years before I’d be pain free. I didn’t know about the anxiety or fear that can accompany every appointment as you wait for crucial test results. I didn’t know.

But I also didn’t know that friends and family would rally around me with love and care. I didn’t know that my older brother and sister-in-law would show up with jokes and hugs and mint M&Ms. I didn’t know that the ongoing pain & skin graft complications would be used to start my journey out of an abusive marriage. I didn’t know I’d receive so many sweet cards that would later be the inspiration for a new hobby that became my business. I didn’t know that I’d get to have so many God encounters in oncology offices and labs. I didn’t know that a smile could change someone’s whole day. I didn’t know.

But now I know. And I can look back and see how God was right there with me. He had his hand on me the whole time. I didn’t know how it would work out. I didn’t know. But He did. God knew the whole time. He knew my story. He knew the journey I would walk. He knew how He could use this big story and all the little God stories in the mix to bless and encourage others. He knew.

Friends, when you’re wishing you knew what was coming and how it would turn out, just remember the One who already knows. God’s got this. He’s got you. And you will be okay. ??