Carry Me

This morning I woke up feeling good.  I felt rested and ready to face the day.  Considering how little sleep I’ve been getting, this was a huge blessing from God!!  I knew I had a follow-up appointment today at my doctor’s office, but I was hopeful that they would tell me the last biospy was normal and no further surgeries would be necessary.  So today I decided to be brave.  Since I was feeling so hopeful, I determined to go to the doctor by myself.  Right before I was supposed to leave, a huge pit formed in my stomach as I got nervous about facing the unknown by myself. 

The nurse came in and immediately said, “the biopsy came back abnormal, the spot goes deeper than we’d like and it has to come out.”  Another surgery is scheduled. Two more surgeries to go. March 4 and 12. 

I try to catch my breath
It hasn’t happened yet
I’m wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You’re all I’ve got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I’m ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now (“Carry Me” by Josh Wilson)

People ask me how I’m doing.  Physically, I am doing well.  My leg is healing a little more each day.  Although I think it looks gross, my doctor keeps saying it’s healing beautifully.  He’s the expert so I figure I’ll believe him.  But mentally, I am so drained.  And I am weary emotionally.  I sat in the parking lot of the doctor’s office as the tears flowed freely.  Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster….good news, then bad news.  Bad news, then good news.   

Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don’t let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You’re still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You’d never leave

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I’m ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now (“Carry Me” by Josh Wilson)

People ask me how I’m doing and I try to put on a brave face.  I tell myself that I need to be strong.  I try to find the humor in a situation that really isn’t funny.  But if I say something funny, then maybe someone else won’t feel awkward when they don’t know what to say.  Sometimes there just aren’t words to say.  Sometimes you just listen.  Reach out and hold a hand.  Extend your arms with a hug. 

Often I hear, “is there anything I can do?”  I have no answer for that question.  Most of the time I don’t know what I need.  Maybe it’s a prayer, or a hug, or a hand to hold.  Maybe it’s a conversation about your day so I don’t have to focus on mine.  Maybe it’s a piece of fruit or a movie or….  I honestly don’t know what would help at a time like this.  But I appreciate the fact that people care enough to ask. 

As I drove home, the song “Carry Me” by Josh Wilson came on the radio.  I’d never heard it before but it could be words straight from my heart.  He has to carry me.  I can’t do this alone.

I’m at the end of myself
I know I’ve got nothing left
Feels like I’m stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I’ve been down here so long
I just can’t find my way out
Oh God I don’t stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me now

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I’m ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now (“Carry Me” by Josh Wilson)

Days like today, I am reminded of how weak I am. 
Days like today, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. 
But then on days like today, I hear a song like “Carry Me” and I know that I’m not alone.
I know that I don’t tread this path by myself. 

It’s so easy to lose sight of the big picture.  I am cancer free!!  This situation could be a lot worse.  I am blessed with family and friends that love me.  It’s easy to focus on the negative and forget the many good things that are happening, the many blessings in life. 

And so I will continue to pray, “God carry me.” 
Sometimes it’s a whisper spoken through tears. 
Other times I want to shout it as loud as I can. 
Often it’s just the silent plea in my heart. 
But regardless, I know He hears me. 
And I know that He carries me.